Keep your mouth shut

It's on.

My sympathetic nervous system switches gears and revs.  Chest goes tight, constricts like a squeezed fist.  My neck flushes with heat, and blood.  My nerves tingle and prickle.

My hands go numb. My face goes numb. Like feet falling asleep, but in reverse: normal, through pins and needles, to lead balloons, rather than the other way around.

My jaw: it grinds and contorts and pulses.  Perhaps my inner Jeckyl and Hyde are discussing the merits of an outburst:  one part fighting back the rush to speak.  Don't say a word.  Keep your mouth shut.  The other part doesn't want to negotiate.

I'm angry.

Criticism frequently comes from a place of anger.  Often, when we do get some feedback, it is because the person on the other end has become frustrated.  They've been able to deal with our idiosyncrasies, but only for so long.  Then, things reach a point when that person just can't take it any more, and their opinion bubbles up and out as anger.

Our inner monkey starts to throw poo.  It meets anger head-on, anger for anger.  Yelling for yelling.  But, of course, a vicious feedback loop ensues, because if anger begets anger, then getting angry is the opposite of the right reaction.  The situation elevates.  Boom.

It's perfectly normal.

So, in the spirit of seeking feedback from every one around us, I propose the following thought experiment. The goal for this Mind Game is to practice receiving criticism gracefully by first observing the sensations of anger that accompany being criticized.  When we find ourselves reacting to angry criticism with anger, the goal is to keep our mouth shut.

Keep your mouth shut

Task: Watch for feelings of an angry reaction following criticism.  Do not speak until the initial physical sensations subside.

Info: What does it feel like to be angry?  This thought experiment encourages us to become more self-aware with regard to the mental and physical process of becoming angry in the face of aggressive criticism.  After we become more in tune with the sensations of anger, we will be more likely to control an impulsive outburst.  In the few moments it takes to pause and consider the situation, we are very likely to develop a more thoughtful and effective response.

Goal: Don't react until you've processed the opinion of the other person.  Determine if their criticisms have merit.  Thank the person who criticized you.

Poker Face

Don't let 'em know what you're thinkin'.

My homunculus is powerful: he lives in my mind, is composed of only thoughts, but yet he wields massive control over my behavior.  Sometimes, he makes me not work.  Sometimes, he makes me not exercise.  Sometimes, he makes me yell at people.  These are significant behaviors.  So, if my homunculus can exert power over very important, far-reaching behaviors, certainly he can control something simple, like my facial expression.

I've been arguing this week that emotions cannot be controlled.  Over time, with practice, we can change how our minds react to events, but in the heat of the moment we really don't have too much control over how we feel.  After an emotion creeps in, though, we can decide how we will react to the emotion.

For me, the very first thing that happens when an emotion creeps in is my facial expression changes.  I'm very expressive in that way.  However, many times I realize that allowing the initial, reactionary facial expression to creep in can be deterimental: I don't want people to know what I'm thinking all the time.  Especially if someone says something I don't agree with, by showing a negative facial expression, it may put the person on the defensive and make it difficult for me to be able to influence the interaction in a positive way.

So, for today's Daily Mind Game, let's practice controlling our facial expressions.  Specifically, let's focus on curbing the impulsive frown that accompanies most negative emotions.  By preventing the sour-puss face, we will make other people feel better, even during difficult interactions.  In addition, I've found that doing this makes me feel better!  By not looking angry, I actually become less angry.  You may have heard of the inverse effect happening for smiling: simply smiling can improve mood.

Poker Face

Task: Prevent negative facial expressions.

Info: The goal is to not "show your hand" emotionally.  Even if someone gives you crappy news, don't immediately show your emotions with a negative facial expression.  Keep your cool, and maintain a slightly bemused look (or some other expression that you prefer).  You don't want to look like you are forcing a smile, because that could be just as bad.  Instead, focus on a natural, neutral, but slightly positive facial expression.  Maintain it for the duration of a negative interaction.  The purpose of this is to practice control of our outward display of emotion.  With practice, you'll become better at deciding when and how to communicate your feelings on an issue.

Goal: Allow positive emotions to shine through; use a poker face to hide negative reactions.

Post your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the DMG in the comments!

Cool Off

Chill out.

Anger happens.  Bad things happen, irritating things happen, mean people happen, stupid people happen.  And, when those things happen, getting angry is a normal, natural response.  In order to not allow a negative emotion to cause havoc we must decide how to react when the emotion creeps in.  We may not be able to control when we experience an emotion, but we can control what we do next.

This approach to anger management is not to prevent anger.  Instead, we can get angry whenever we want.  But there are healthy ways to handle the emotion of anger and there are unhealthy ways.  An unhealthy way would be to show that anger to people that would think negatively of your anger.  Exposing anger to a boss, a significant other, a colleague, normally doesn't accomplish anything.  In the cases when showing anger is impossible, one strategy is to hold the anger in until we can get to a safe spot to be angry alone.

That's what cooling off is all about.  When something bad happens that makes you angry or frustrated, leave the situation as soon as possible to be alone and let the anger work itself out of your system.  Once you've cooled off, you'll be ready to interact with the offending person in a more effective and productive way.

Cool Off

Task: Escape a situation that provokes anger without displaying anger.

Info: Just get out of there ASAP: head to your meditation spot, head to a bathroom stall, head outside for a walk.  Don't reveal to others just how angry you are until you've had some time to cool off and consider the situation with a level head.  Then, feel free to communicate any remaining issues with the people who caused the problem in a more constructive way.  This isn't about holding emotion in, it's about allowing emotion to fade before addressing the problem.

Goal: Temper your temper with some time alone.

What do you think?  Is this a good way to manage anger?  Are you in the "don't hold it in" camp?

Commute of Calm

Cut me off, I dare you.

I'm a pretty nice guy.  I'm not outwardly mean, usually (except when I don't get my beauty sleep).  I normally empathize well and try to be there to support people.  I work hard to be a good team-member, to make things fun, and be professional.  Except when I'm driving.  When I get into a car, I turn into a total monkey's-arse.  I swear, I honk, I tail-gate, I glance menacingly.  I become a baboon.  But not today!

Road rage.  It happens to almost everyone who drives regularly.  I wonder why it's so easy?  I bet it's because we feel insulated from other people.  We're in our metal box, all closed-up and protected.  We can do whatever we want: yell, curse, sing, cry, whatevs.  No one can hear us or see us.  Awesome!

The problem is that every time we let our negative emotions out, we're missing an opportunity to practice emotion regulation.  Yes, the person in front of us is driving too slow.  But, by yelling and tail-gating, we're unlikely to make any difference.  More than anything, we'll raise our own blood pressure and get better at becoming impulsive and angry.

Today, the goal is to regulate the negative aspects of our commute and try to maintain calm during the drive. Again, preventing emotions isn't the goal.  We're going to simply not act on the emotions (don't yell, honk, etc.)  In addition, let's do our best to distract ourselves from the other commuters that make us mad: listen to the radio, think about pleasant stuff, etc.

Commute of Calm

Task: Maintain calm during today's commute.

Info: Two things to do today.  One, if you do get mad, don't act on it.  Control your own behavior.  Just remember: the other drivers can't see you well - they have no idea that you're yelling at them.  So, don't do it!  It's dumb!  You're basically talking to yourself...  Second, distract yourself so that irritation don't have first dibs on your attention.  Listen to music, a book on tape, NPR, your own breathing. Don't focus on the boat-like Olds in front of you going 15 in a 35mph zone.  Don't.

Goal: Make your commute pleasant.

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